When You're Good To Mama...

It started out as a typical vacation. As usual someone in my party, this time Stacey, was felt up by airport security (when is it going to be mine turn already…..) and propositioned to remove some necessary article of clothing (again, when is it going to be my turn?). Typical didn’t last long; as I took my seat on the plane, I notice a rather svelte (comparatively) t.v. celebrity boarding the plane with me…. DAN FROM THE BIGGEST LOSER!!! Of course I approached at baggage claim for a picture. He gladly removed his headphones (he was “jamming out to Blake Shelton”) for the picture and proceeded to carry on a conversation with me… I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure he was smitten and too afraid to ask for my number (where is Dana when I need her!)

Of course the trip included a few of our favorite past times, no we didn’t get in a Cubs game or apple pie, but close, shopping and eating (I know, awesome choice after meeting a former Biggest Loser.)

Food consumption Highlights:

Grand Luxe: Not a Chicago original, but…baked- to order beignets, hot from the deep fryer, covered in powdered sugar and served with three dipping sauces . Stacey went to town on the Jack Daniels cream sauce… she’s such a lush.
Ginos East: Deep Dish Chicago Style Pizza and was everything I hoped it would be. We went for the meaty legend (shocker right) we threw in a side salad to prevent scurvy.

Before
After...

Billy Goat Tavern: You may recognize it from the Saturday Night Live skit. Don’t try and order anything other than the double cheezeborger you won’t get it... no fries, cheeps; no Pepsi; Coke….
Gibson’s Steakhouse: Meat sweats ensued… Our server assistant (I’m sure there’s a fancy title for this) also smuggled us two new bottles of the Gibson’s house season salt and instructed us to put the one on the table in our purse. (It’s amazing what a little cleavage and a lap dance will get you (don’t worry Stacey I won’t tell Todd what a whore you are))

And of course we had to hit up breakfast... At this point, we were eating through the pain.

As if the amount of meat I consumed wasn’t enough to send me into a premature death, Stacey tried to finish me off. I think she was jealous that in Chicago, I’m apparently pretty (at least the homeless man Aundre thought so… maybe because he wanted change (the monetary kind, not what Obama promised.))

My trip to Chicago would not have been whole without a trip to the Field Museum. Complete with Sue the Dinosaur, an Ancient Egypt exhibit and my favorite (Nerd Alert!) the Man-eaters of Tsavo (Ghost and the Darkness anyone… ANYONE????). Here are few other “exhibits.”

Who Gnu…. Really, it’s a Gnu!

Sue the Dinosour, (Stacey's in the black, not Sue.)

Roar!

Practicing what Stacey taught me...

Me and Micheal Jackson. Apparently he's Egyptian (or his doppleganger.)

We were in Chicago a little longer than anticipated due to “weather delays” (weather delays my ass! It was barely raining) at the airport. Luckily we were able to keep ourselves entertained with another American pastime…people watching. A few treasures:

The old lady in purple scrunch socks reading a book (we’ll call her Marge): I’m not exactly sure what the book was, something called “Cobra Eye” which I like to pretend was some kind of smutt novel....which turned out to be pretty fitting. Stacey and I filled in the blanks of what she was reading and just as we finished the part where “his rippled chest quivered as he unbuttoned her top” Marge closed the book, rubbed her upper thigh, ran her fingers through her hair, took a deep breath, complete with a sigh and exclaimed “oh boy!”… apparently Marge was getting a little hot.

The terrorist: I almost sent Stacey to get TSA as I performed a citizen’s arrest. I mean the man was constantly leaving his bag unattended, wandering around and talking on his cell phone. Stacey SWEARS she heard him mention torpedoes…. We’re lucky we made it home alive and so is he!

The hot dog corner of shame: Its kind of self explanatory, but we saw no less than 4 people, within an hour, sit down on the same chair in the same corner to self consciously inhale their hotdog while nervously looking around to make sure their char dog consumption went unnoticed… It didn’t… and to make matters worse I was the first to suggest the corner to consume my own hot dog ”incognito”…Shameful!

All around, I would have to say Chicago treated me well. We saw Jersey Boys, got caught in a few rain storms, froze our huevos off, saw the first Ferris Wheel (ok it was a replica) and site of the World Fair and walked our asses off. Let’s just say, fashionable shoes are not an option in Chicago; I recommend flip flops... and a rain coat..