Candy, Candy Corns, Candy Canes and Syrup

What happened to the good ol’ days when people said "Merry Christmas neighbor" by dropping off a plate of homemade goodies? I look forward to it every year and so far all I’ve seen (at my sisters house; my neighbors don’t bring me goodies. However, I wish Gerrard, the HOT single man 2 doors down would drop off some goodies… I have some for him…) is a bag of M&M’s and a box of Andies Mints.

COME ON! Bring me the divinity, the homemade carmels, the peanut brittle. Is it too much to ask for some homemade chocolates, that marshmallow/ popcorn/ gumdrop goo, fudge! chocolate dipped pretzels, peppermint bark or peanut butter bars. Hell, I’d even take a santa shaped sugar cookie a this point. Let’s get back to basics people! Keep you’re nativity scene, I already have one, just bring me the goods… let me taste the love.

And What to My Wondering Eyes Did Appear…

I was greeted in the gym locker room last night by a very large naked woman…. Let me make sure you understand the full scale of this, we are talking Star Jones big (before the lipo), wearing NOTHING but a smile and strutting around like she was Mr. T at a gold jewelry convention.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against “big boned” women, but I do have something against naked women in public places. Props to you for loving “the skin you’re in,” but put it away…. I don’t care if you are Eva Longoria or Rosie O’Donnell, I don’t want to see it.

No Autographs, Please!

I ran in the annual Huntington City 5K Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving. I was just one in a sea of 50 participants… ya, half of Emery County showed up to compete. It was probably the worst 3.1 miles I have ever ran and this is why:
1) It was the most boring route EVER. The course went straight down the road, 1.5 miles where there was a car parked, when you reached the car, you turned around and headed back. It honestly felt like 20 miles, just to reach the car and when I finally did, I wanted to call SAG to come pick me up. There was no SAG.

2) It was up hill both ways. I know that’s what your Grandma (or in my case my Mom, same age difference) use to always say, “ I walked to school, uphill, both ways, in snow up to my knees…” but in this case, it was 100 % true, sans the snow.

3) When I finally reached the car at the top of the hill, I turned around to head back, only to be slapped upside the face by a cold, misty head wind. Awesome! Nothing like a little resistance to really elevate the heart rate.

4) It took me a full 5 minutes longer to finish then my usual time, I’m pretty sure the only people I crossed the finish line in front of, were the walkers. I attribute this to the previous 3 factors as well as the following little doozy:
It may sound like an excuse, but damn it, I’m going to use it. ELEVATION. I’m use to running in the Salt Lake Valley, elevation: approximately 4,330 feet. Huntington’s elevation: 5,797 feet. I stared sucking wind pretty early, so like I said, I’m going to go with the idea that those 1,467 feet made a difference and I’m not just out of shape.

Luckily at the end of the race they held a drawing. I was the big winner with a 32 oz fountain drink from the local Maverick. I was pretty excited because you know that just what I needed/ wanted after the big race… a Soda. On the flip side, my picture made it into the county paper, so I think that elevates me to “local celebrity” status.

I Spy With My Judgmental Eye…

This is a list of some of my favorite things spotted at the gym, which oddly enough happened to be some of my least favorite things spotted at the gym... All can be found at the VanWinkle Gold’s (formerly referred to as the “pretty people gym” (note I said “formerly”)) on any given night. Two trips max and you can take in ALL its wonder and glory. It’s a beautiful thing.

• Naked lady in the locker room. wobbly bits, lots of wobbly bits...
• Man in sweat pants (the kind with elastic ankles). It makes me very VERY! uncomfortable.
• Beth, Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife, sans the class and blond hair. Possibly bigger boobs…
• Man sporting the gallon milk jug of water. Dude, dumbbells are included in your membership.
• Camel toe
• Moose knuckles
• Nutter jean shorts… accompanied by moose knuckles.
• Brandon Walsh from 90210, but with facial hair.
• Royal Blue, velvet track suite, with matching scrunchy and soup can bangs.
• Ru! Fi! OOOooooo!……. Bangerang
• 'Roid: The man clearly on steroids and ALWAYS at the gym.
• ‘Roid. wearing the barely there “tank” in camo… I refer to it as the upside down thong.
• The real life version of the Homies figurines
• And finally, the mirror poser. Can’t get enough of himself and neither can I…

Hypocrite!

Let it be known that I am adamantly against Christmas before I’ve filled my cornucopia and celebrated the pilgrimage to Plymouth Rock. I just don’t see the need to be putting up mistletoe before I have completed my hand print turkey and I can’t exactly “deck the halls” or roast chestnuts over an open fire, before I’ve roasted the turkey and done my Black Friday shopping at the Walmart. I don’t know, call me crazy!

I’ve noticed that not everyone sees things my way. In fact Sad FM, Easy Listening for the Over 30, started playing Christmas music on November 1. A little Premature? I think so! But rather than change my pre-set I just decided to steer clear of the station, a personal boycott if you will.

While listening to the radio on my way to work this morning, I was singing along to one of my favorite songs thinking “I love this song, I wish I heard it more often” when suddenly I realized the reason I don’t hear it very much is because IT’S A CHRISTMAS SONG! And I am the biggest hypocrite ever because here I am, supposedly boycotting Sad FM and its all Christmas music all season long philosophy and I’m singing along to the words “last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day, you gave it away. This year to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special...” pathetic! In both song choice and principal. PATHETIC!

...In Bed

Little World is my Chinese of choice in Salt Lake. Now, this little gem is not a really fancy establishment. I mean, you walk in and think “I may catch cryptosporidium or lockjaw” but don’t worry the food is great and they provide plenty of sugar packet to stabilize the tables, (it takes exactly 3)… and I love it! I love the seeing the plucked duck carcasses in the back, I love the woman always snapping beans at one of the tables, I love looking at my Chinese fortune on the paper place mat (I'm a boar), I love the slight fear that I may find something unwanted in my beef and broccoli (like a band-aid or a cockroach) and I love the Chinese language lesson that comes with my fortune cookie “Wo mi lu, English translation: I’m lost”.

I never leave Little Word disappointed. Ya, it’s a little sketchy, but I have yet to catch norwalk or the bird flu. On my last visit, however, I did get a little more than I bargained for… Let’s just say that when you have long legs, you probably shouldn’t cross them under a gum laden table…

It Feels Different This Time...

Cows are my Dads passion. Really, they are, if you need proof, look in his high school yearbook, it’s printed right there under his senior picture, "Cows are my passion". Naturally with that much passion planted in a place like Castle Dale, it’s a sure fire bet he’s a farmer. When it comes to my Dad’s farm its all work and very little play and therefore family vacations consisted of trips to other rural locations to look at Dad’s passion, with the occasional drive through of Yellowstone or Zion’s National Park (and when I say drive through, I mean drive through, no food, no potty breaks, no photo ops, no stopping… period!)

Needless to say, as a family we never really had the “typical” family vacation. So with my mom near death, us sister decided to get her out to experience the “world” before she kicks the bucket. luckily our ship didn't sink and speed up the process...

Our best intentions of a “typical” vacation by cruise to Canada, quickly went south starting at the airport with Dana being propositioned at security to remove her bra, you know, because of the under wire… and quickly progressed to mom being searched while complete strangers chanted “take it off” and “cavity search”. Damn robotic knee!

The trip was fantastic! We had AMAZING macaroni and cheese at Steelheads in Seattle, incredible banana fosters ice cream in Victoria and the best fish and chips EVER at a little make shift “restaurant” on the water front in Nanaimo called Troller’s Fish and Chips, (alright, I like food… back off).

Mom succeeded in erupting the dinner table with laughter due to her confusion when lady at our dinner table commented that she “had been married to her husband for 7 ½ years before he passed a year ago,” which she followed with “it was wonderful”. Now, I understand the confusion. But come on mom, did you really think she was referring to his death being “wonderful” rather than their 7 ½ year marriage?

Unfortunately I was unable to get my groove on at the nightclub due to a knee injury which left me temporarily confined to a wheelchair.

Canada was beautiful! We saw some pretty amazing things. We were the only ones on deck when a pod of Dolphins decided to swim and jump by the ship. We were able watch them for about 5 minutes before they disappeared. We also spotted Michael Bolton! He tried to disguise himself by bleaching his hair blond, but he couldn’t fool us… who knew he was into cruising!

Mom, Dana and Stacey were able to watch the sunrise, I hear it was pretty magnificent. I’ll have to take their word for it seeing as how they didn’t wake me up for the life changing experience. Other beautiful/ amazing things: This little old lady who could barely walk on her arthritic legs and osteoporosis bones, but was very fashionable in her all white track suite and 4 inch black platform peep toes.

It really hit its climax at the end of the trip, en-route to the airport, as Dana gave our Taxi driver Adam my phone number! (He defaulted to me after finding out Dana was married with 3 kids) Don’t worry, he’s called 5 times already… I’ll be sending out wedding announcements soon!

I’m also expecting a call from about 3 other people she gave my number to. Looks I’ll be pretty busy the next couple months, so don’t bother trying to get a hold of me.

It was a whirlwind trip, but it was really fun. We got a lot in. A lot of walking, A lot of eating, a lot of people watching and a lot of illegal/ risky behavior (I didn’t know my mom could bend like that, especially with the knee, apparently she learned it from Stacey).