If I Had a Blog...

Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood

2009-07-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a bad date story. Believe me, I’ve had my share of horror. It has always been a toss up between two dates:
1) The date that lasted a total of 1 hour from pick up to drop off and included dinner at Rumbi’s (one of my least favorite places to eat).

And
2) The marathon date that lasted 10 hours and felt like 20 years.

And then last night came and sealed the deal… crowning itself worst date in HISTORY! Honestly, if there would have been a Hudson, I would have ditched…

Chad (29) assured me that he could remember the two lefts and a right it took to get from the freeway to my house; he couldn’t so I ended up walking to the nearest major street for a pick up…. I felt like a hooker…. Strike 1.

Chad didn’t have any plans, but REALLY had his heart set on Applebee’s… WHERE I PAID … Strike 2,3, 4, 5 and 6. but, being the chivalrous man that he was, he offered to leave the tip, making it clear he only offered because he “happen to have 5 bucks in [his] wallet that [his] dad had given [him]”… Strike 7.

After I paid the tab, Chad wanted to go miniature golfing, Mulligans and Boondocks were both closed for the evening (whew! I saved another 20 bucks!), so Chad decided to take the opportunity to ask me a few questions about myself (the first of the night.. 2.5 hours into the date). He asked a total of 3 and not wanting too much information, stuck to the usual get to know you questions, “Where do you work?” “Do you have a degree?” “Do you own you’re place?” and then proceeded to chastise me for “wasting” my money on a college degree and for buying a townhome. Chad rents, but if he didn’t, he assured me he wouldn’t throw his money away on a townhome that “looks like an apartment”. Hmm…. I get the feeling chad doesn't like to throw his money away on anything… even his favorite meal at Applebee’s…Strike, 21, 22…. 39, 40.

He obviously wasn’t into me (feelings were mutual), which is fine, I’ve read the book and seen the movie, I realize I’m the rule… but Chad felt the need to drag the date on and suggested finding a park. At this point, I felt I’d put out enough for the night and asked Chad to take me home.

He literally dropped me off. I don’t know if I was expecting/wanting him to walk me to the door; he hadn’t opened one door for me all night, so walking me to the door was a bit of a s-t-r-e-t-c-h, but something in me was still holding out for some inkling of goodness in him… and men in general… Strike 88.

Did I mention Chad’s a HUGE Prince fan Strike 99, 100.

When You're Good To Mama...

2009-05-03T18:30:00.000-07:00

It started out as a typical vacation. As usual someone in my party, this time Stacey, was felt up by airport security (when is it going to be mine turn already…..) and propositioned to remove some necessary article of clothing (again, when is it going to be my turn?). Typical didn’t last long; as I took my seat on the plane, I notice a rather svelte (comparatively) t.v. celebrity boarding the plane with me…. DAN FROM THE BIGGEST LOSER!!! Of course I approached at baggage claim for a picture. He gladly removed his headphones (he was “jamming out to Blake Shelton”) for the picture and proceeded to carry on a conversation with me… I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure he was smitten and too afraid to ask for my number (where is Dana when I need her!)

Of course the trip included a few of our favorite past times, no we didn’t get in a Cubs game or apple pie, but close, shopping and eating (I know, awesome choice after meeting a former Biggest Loser.)

Food consumption Highlights:

Grand Luxe: Not a Chicago original, but…baked- to order beignets, hot from the deep fryer, covered in powdered sugar and served with three dipping sauces . Stacey went to town on the Jack Daniels cream sauce… she’s such a lush.
Ginos East: Deep Dish Chicago Style Pizza and was everything I hoped it would be. We went for the meaty legend (shocker right) we threw in a side salad to prevent scurvy.

Before
After...

Billy Goat Tavern: You may recognize it from the Saturday Night Live skit. Don’t try and order anything other than the double cheezeborger you won’t get it... no fries, cheeps; no Pepsi; Coke….
Gibson’s Steakhouse: Meat sweats ensued… Our server assistant (I’m sure there’s a fancy title for this) also smuggled us two new bottles of the Gibson’s house season salt and instructed us to put the one on the table in our purse. (It’s amazing what a little cleavage and a lap dance will get you (don’t worry Stacey I won’t tell Todd what a whore you are))

And of course we had to hit up breakfast... At this point, we were eating through the pain.

As if the amount of meat I consumed wasn’t enough to send me into a premature death, Stacey tried to finish me off. I think she was jealous that in Chicago, I’m apparently pretty (at least the homeless man Aundre thought so… maybe because he wanted change (the monetary kind, not what Obama promised.))

My trip to Chicago would not have been whole without a trip to the Field Museum. Complete with Sue the Dinosaur, an Ancient Egypt exhibit and my favorite (Nerd Alert!) the Man-eaters of Tsavo (Ghost and the Darkness anyone… ANYONE????). Here are few other “exhibits.”

Who Gnu…. Really, it’s a Gnu!

Sue the Dinosour, (Stacey's in the black, not Sue.)

Roar!

Practicing what Stacey taught me...

Me and Micheal Jackson. Apparently he's Egyptian (or his doppleganger.)

We were in Chicago a little longer than anticipated due to “weather delays” (weather delays my ass! It was barely raining) at the airport. Luckily we were able to keep ourselves entertained with another American pastime…people watching. A few treasures:

The old lady in purple scrunch socks reading a book (we’ll call her Marge): I’m not exactly sure what the book was, something called “Cobra Eye” which I like to pretend was some kind of smutt novel....which turned out to be pretty fitting. Stacey and I filled in the blanks of what she was reading and just as we finished the part where “his rippled chest quivered as he unbuttoned her top” Marge closed the book, rubbed her upper thigh, ran her fingers through her hair, took a deep breath, complete with a sigh and exclaimed “oh boy!”… apparently Marge was getting a little hot.

The terrorist: I almost sent Stacey to get TSA as I performed a citizen’s arrest. I mean the man was constantly leaving his bag unattended, wandering around and talking on his cell phone. Stacey SWEARS she heard him mention torpedoes…. We’re lucky we made it home alive and so is he!

The hot dog corner of shame: Its kind of self explanatory, but we saw no less than 4 people, within an hour, sit down on the same chair in the same corner to self consciously inhale their hotdog while nervously looking around to make sure their char dog consumption went unnoticed… It didn’t… and to make matters worse I was the first to suggest the corner to consume my own hot dog ”incognito”…Shameful!

All around, I would have to say Chicago treated me well. We saw Jersey Boys, got caught in a few rain storms, froze our huevos off, saw the first Ferris Wheel (ok it was a replica) and site of the World Fair and walked our asses off. Let’s just say, fashionable shoes are not an option in Chicago; I recommend flip flops... and a rain coat..

Exercise is Good for Depression...

2009-04-28T14:27:00.000-07:00

I did it! 13.1 miles of running bliss(ters), one hell of a hill and a near shant…. but I did it!
What was my favorite part you may ask; the thing that would push me through and keep me coming back for more?

Was it the euphoria; the feeling of accomplishment?

Was it the friends cheering me on along the way, or knowing my family was waiting for me at the finish line?

Perhaps the adrenaline rush, the thousands of people, or the excitement of the race?

No! it was the man standing outside his house grilling and passing out bacon to the runners…. Nothing like the smell of bacon at Mile 6.5…

2 hrs 15 minutes, including the Honey Bucket stop and a severe chest cold, but I pushed through. According to runningworld.com I could shave 8.30 off my time if I’d lose 20 lbs….OUCH! guess It’s a good thing I passed on the bacon.

As Serious As A Heart Attack

2009-04-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

I received a work email today from a man who says he is blind... now I'm not trying to "dis"ability, but if you're blind:

A) how are you typing this email and
B) how do you plan on reading my response?

Am I missing something?

Other Than That

2009-03-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

Blame it on the weather, the lack of sunlight, P.M.S, hunger, S.A.D, el nino, the economy, and/or global warming, but I've noticed my last few posts have had a bit of a negative undertone. TODAY, I've decided to try something new. I'm giving this optimism thing a whirl, SO:

Despite waking up at 6 a.m. to SNOW. Despite the scale showing a 2 lb weight gain when I’m really trying to make it go the other way. Despite running out of hairspray and having my replacement hairspray smell like old lady perfume. Despite my FAVORITE cottage cheese being on sale at Albertson's and SOLD OUT. Despite missing the first half of the Biggest Loser and not knowing if Mike pulled through with a 10 lb weight loss. Despite a painful dental visit WITHOUT Novocain or laughing gas. Despite my phone bill coming in at $100. Despite dropping one of my fake diamond stud earrings and rummage through the garbage to recover it. Despite being called “sexy” by an OLD man at the gym. Despite a broken toilet seat and despite my pico de gallo being frozen... this was just the kind of day I was hoping for…

Baby.... Ruth!?

2009-02-24T19:26:00.000-08:00

I went to the dentist today. He removed a cap on one of my pearly whites by drilling a crevice into the cap and shoving a flat blade screwdriver -literally- in the crevice and wrenching it until it snapped apart…

I’m generally hard to numb, GENERALLY!... today, the dentist gave me enough Novocain to cripple a rino. I am numb up to my eyeballs and I look like a stroke victim! Not just any stroke victim, a stroke victim with a Jewel snaggle tooth (the temporary cap on my nubbin of a tooth doesn’t blend... AT ALL).

I couldn’t justify skipping the gym due to my stroke, so I proceeded to Gold’s to lift. This proved TERRIFYING when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror during a difficult bicep curl and with the strained face I looked like Sloth from Goonies….

Basically, I look like the drunk lady who's face was eaten off by her dog....If you just can’t quite get the visual, imagine if these three bred….

Lint Licker

2009-01-30T15:10:00.000-08:00

Can we just talk for a second about the ass hat who, just because he drives a Mercedes, finds it necessary to park on an severe angle and take up two parking stalls. I understand not wanting a door ding on your shinny, 50K+ silver convertible, but park at the back of the parking lot dill hole, it's 20 degrees outside and I'm in heels.

I Don't Think You're Ready for This Jelly.

2009-01-23T14:09:00.000-08:00

Whenever Kate and I travel together, people always ask if we are twins. Portland was no different, so rather than explain the whole situation, we’ve just decided to go with it. I guess the fact that we ended up wearing the exact same shirt and exact same hair do on the exact same day, didn’t really help… pure accident I promise.

Its hard to really pinpoint my favorite part of the trip, it was just all so good, so I’ve opted to just highlight a few of the… well… highlights.

Patrick stopped me in the Portland airport just to say “Hi” apparently he works for a music label in L.A. with “high profile clients” similar to Taylor Swift and staring in High School Musical. Since my vocal skills aren’t up to par, I’d be happy to introduce anyone to Patrick who was shafted from this seasons American Idol.

Breakfast at Mother’s Bistro (lonely rider): Normally breakfast alone (no pun intended) would be enough, since it is my favorite meal of the day, but a breakfast consisting of coconut, macadamia nut pancakes… Heaven! Curtis, and army recruiter and Macey’s shoe salesman, stop by for breakfast as well. After an hour long discussion, I clarified that “No I was not a lesbian visiting Portland with my lover” “No I don’t care to join the Army and “Yes I would love a shoe hookup at Macey’s”. Curtis paid for my breakfast and we said our goodbyes.

Vodoo Dougnuts: The final stop on this years amazing race and perhaps one, or two (it was too good we had to go back), of the most interesting stops on the trip. It’s just a hop, skip and saunter through homeless row to get to this shady part of town, but worth the hepatitis risk. I settled for 2 pound banana fritter, glazed and then drizzled with chocolate and peanut butter and topped with chocolate chips and chopped peanuts. It took me about 12 hours to eat it, but I don’t regret it, my pants do, but not me.

The round 2 jaunt to Voodoo Doughnuts resulted in the following, somewhat one sided “conversation” with a random man on the street near homeless row:

Scary Man (SM): Excuse me.
Me (M): Yes?(said in a shaky, scared voice as I grabbed tighter to my bags)
SM: Girl U is FINE!
SM: U a member of the club.
M: ahh… (quickly walking away)
SM: U do know what club that is? (getting louder)
SM: U DO KNOW WHAT CLUB THAT IS!
M: What club (speed walking at this point and weighted down by my 2 lb doughnut.. pre-eating)
SM: The BOOTYLICIOUS club baby! U can have ALL my money…
At this point Kate and I were laughing so hard we could barely walk. I'm still not sure if bootylicious is a compliment or a low blow. On one hand, he compared me to Beyonce…. On the other… well…let’s just say maybe I should lay off the doughnuts.

Sorry Kate, you aren’t in this “exclusive club” with me and Destiny’s Child. Maybe try the “Savory” doughnut next time. Those 2 strips of bacon on top of the maple bar have got to add a few more calories,

And The Award Goes To...

2009-01-06T14:20:00.000-08:00

Those of you who are from, or have ever been to Emery County, this may or may not come as a surprise to you. It’s a shinning example of the quality of life sustained in God’s Country.

This is an actual wedding announcement from the Emery County Progress (the county paper. You may recognize it from a previous post as it featured me running in the Turkey Trot, aka: Hell). I can’t quite figure out why it’s pertinent to Emery County since the lovely couple is from Richfield (a different county all together), unless is has something to do with the great, great, great grandparents who are dead... Hmm. Anyway, this couple is destined for success; quite the list of credentials, talents and life experience and if that’s not enough, just check out their breeding… quality stock!

*** Note: names have been changed for the purpose of this blog, I would hate for it to be found on a google search of the happy couple. (I didn't change the first names of the parents and grandparents. I couldn't make those up.) ***

Kathy Ray Pea and Ross Albert Wolf, both of Richfield, have chosen Jan. 3, 2009 to be married in the Manti LDS Temple. A reception will be held that evening in Richfield.
Kathy graduated from Richfield High School and Richfield LDS Seminary in 2007. She participated in speech and debate, and symphonic band. She is an alumni member of One Voice Community Audition Choir. She has been attending Utah Valley University.
Ross graduated from Richfield High School and Richfield LDS Seminary in 2006. He was a foreign language Sterling Scholar, the Spanish Club president, participated in cross county, and is a member of the Green Valley Cloggers and Clog America. He is a member of One Voice Community Audition Choir. He served an LDS mission to Puerto Rico.
Kathy is the daughter of Roy and Tina Pea, Richfield; the granddaughter of Lavan and Sharon Bearns, and the late Bruce Pea, Cedar Hills; Jean Bell and the late Elbert Bell, Ferron; and the great-granddaughter of Phebe Player and the late Cloye Player, Wellington.
Ross is the son of Stacy and Judy Wolf, Richfield; the grandson of Doug Wight and Kaye Lee, and the late Loraine Wine, Cedar City; and Reveau Wicks and the late Lavoy West, Sandy,

I bet Ross was an Eagle Scout too!
It must have been VERY sunny the day their picture was taken. Too bad Kath couldn’t part with the sunglasses long enough to snap the picture. But overall, the picture's not too bad.

Honorable Mention

This is another glowing couple announcing their love and devotion in the county paper.... don't squint, it won't improve the quality of the photo. It came that way.Yet, more proof that flannel is on its way back in.

Candy, Candy Corns, Candy Canes and Syrup

2008-12-22T10:42:00.001-08:00

What happened to the good ol’ days when people said "Merry Christmas neighbor" by dropping off a plate of homemade goodies? I look forward to it every year and so far all I’ve seen (at my sisters house; my neighbors don’t bring me goodies. However, I wish Gerrard, the HOT single man 2 doors down would drop off some goodies… I have some for him…) is a bag of M&M’s and a box of Andies Mints.

COME ON! Bring me the divinity, the homemade carmels, the peanut brittle. Is it too much to ask for some homemade chocolates, that marshmallow/ popcorn/ gumdrop goo, fudge! chocolate dipped pretzels, peppermint bark or peanut butter bars. Hell, I’d even take a santa shaped sugar cookie a this point. Let’s get back to basics people! Keep you’re nativity scene, I already have one, just bring me the goods… let me taste the love.

And What to My Wondering Eyes Did Appear…

2008-12-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

I was greeted in the gym locker room last night by a very large naked woman…. Let me make sure you understand the full scale of this, we are talking Star Jones big (before the lipo), wearing NOTHING but a smile and strutting around like she was Mr. T at a gold jewelry convention.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against “big boned” women, but I do have something against naked women in public places. Props to you for loving “the skin you’re in,” but put it away…. I don’t care if you are Eva Longoria or Rosie O’Donnell, I don’t want to see it.

No Autographs, Please!

2008-12-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

I ran in the annual Huntington City 5K Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving. I was just one in a sea of 50 participants… ya, half of Emery County showed up to compete. It was probably the worst 3.1 miles I have ever ran and this is why:
1) It was the most boring route EVER. The course went straight down the road, 1.5 miles where there was a car parked, when you reached the car, you turned around and headed back. It honestly felt like 20 miles, just to reach the car and when I finally did, I wanted to call SAG to come pick me up. There was no SAG.

2) It was up hill both ways. I know that’s what your Grandma (or in my case my Mom, same age difference) use to always say, “ I walked to school, uphill, both ways, in snow up to my knees…” but in this case, it was 100 % true, sans the snow.

3) When I finally reached the car at the top of the hill, I turned around to head back, only to be slapped upside the face by a cold, misty head wind. Awesome! Nothing like a little resistance to really elevate the heart rate.

4) It took me a full 5 minutes longer to finish then my usual time, I’m pretty sure the only people I crossed the finish line in front of, were the walkers. I attribute this to the previous 3 factors as well as the following little doozy:
It may sound like an excuse, but damn it, I’m going to use it. ELEVATION. I’m use to running in the Salt Lake Valley, elevation: approximately 4,330 feet. Huntington’s elevation: 5,797 feet. I stared sucking wind pretty early, so like I said, I’m going to go with the idea that those 1,467 feet made a difference and I’m not just out of shape.

Luckily at the end of the race they held a drawing. I was the big winner with a 32 oz fountain drink from the local Maverick. I was pretty excited because you know that just what I needed/ wanted after the big race… a Soda. On the flip side, my picture made it into the county paper, so I think that elevates me to “local celebrity” status.

I Spy With My Judgmental Eye…

2008-11-20T10:48:00.000-08:00

This is a list of some of my favorite things spotted at the gym, which oddly enough happened to be some of my least favorite things spotted at the gym... All can be found at the VanWinkle Gold’s (formerly referred to as the “pretty people gym” (note I said “formerly”)) on any given night. Two trips max and you can take in ALL its wonder and glory. It’s a beautiful thing.

Naked lady in the locker room. wobbly bits, lots of wobbly bits...
Man in sweat pants (the kind with elastic ankles). It makes me very VERY! uncomfortable.
Beth, Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife, sans the class and blond hair. Possibly bigger boobs…
Man sporting the gallon milk jug of water. Dude, dumbbells are included in your membership.
Camel toe
Moose knuckles
Nutter jean shorts… accompanied by moose knuckles.
Brandon Walsh from 90210, but with facial hair.
Royal Blue, velvet track suite, with matching scrunchy and soup can bangs.
Ru! Fi! OOOooooo!……. Bangerang
'Roid: The man clearly on steroids and ALWAYS at the gym.
‘Roid. wearing the barely there “tank” in camo… I refer to it as the upside down thong.
The real life version of the Homies figurines
And finally, the mirror poser. Can’t get enough of himself and neither can I…

Hypocrite!

2008-11-11T10:39:00.000-08:00

Let it be known that I am adamantly against Christmas before I’ve filled my cornucopia and celebrated the pilgrimage to Plymouth Rock. I just don’t see the need to be putting up mistletoe before I have completed my hand print turkey and I can’t exactly “deck the halls” or roast chestnuts over an open fire, before I’ve roasted the turkey and done my Black Friday shopping at the Walmart. I don’t know, call me crazy!

I’ve noticed that not everyone sees things my way. In fact Sad FM, Easy Listening for the Over 30, started playing Christmas music on November 1. A little Premature? I think so! But rather than change my pre-set I just decided to steer clear of the station, a personal boycott if you will.

While listening to the radio on my way to work this morning, I was singing along to one of my favorite songs thinking “I love this song, I wish I heard it more often” when suddenly I realized the reason I don’t hear it very much is because IT’S A CHRISTMAS SONG! And I am the biggest hypocrite ever because here I am, supposedly boycotting Sad FM and its all Christmas music all season long philosophy and I’m singing along to the words “last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day, you gave it away. This year to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special...” pathetic! In both song choice and principal. PATHETIC!

...In Bed

2008-10-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

Little World is my Chinese of choice in Salt Lake. Now, this little gem is not a really fancy establishment. I mean, you walk in and think “I may catch cryptosporidium or lockjaw” but don’t worry the food is great and they provide plenty of sugar packet to stabilize the tables, (it takes exactly 3)… and I love it! I love the seeing the plucked duck carcasses in the back, I love the woman always snapping beans at one of the tables, I love looking at my Chinese fortune on the paper place mat (I'm a boar), I love the slight fear that I may find something unwanted in my beef and broccoli (like a band-aid or a cockroach) and I love the Chinese language lesson that comes with my fortune cookie “Wo mi lu, English translation: I’m lost”.

I never leave Little Word disappointed. Ya, it’s a little sketchy, but I have yet to catch norwalk or the bird flu. On my last visit, however, I did get a little more than I bargained for… Let’s just say that when you have long legs, you probably shouldn’t cross them under a gum laden table…

It Feels Different This Time...

2008-10-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

Cows are my Dads passion. Really, they are, if you need proof, look in his high school yearbook, it’s printed right there under his senior picture, "Cows are my passion". Naturally with that much passion planted in a place like Castle Dale, it’s a sure fire bet he’s a farmer. When it comes to my Dad’s farm its all work and very little play and therefore family vacations consisted of trips to other rural locations to look at Dad’s passion, with the occasional drive through of Yellowstone or Zion’s National Park (and when I say drive through, I mean drive through, no food, no potty breaks, no photo ops, no stopping… period!)

Needless to say, as a family we never really had the “typical” family vacation. So with my mom near death, us sister decided to get her out to experience the “world” before she kicks the bucket. luckily our ship didn't sink and speed up the process...

Our best intentions of a “typical” vacation by cruise to Canada, quickly went south starting at the airport with Dana being propositioned at security to remove her bra, you know, because of the under wire… and quickly progressed to mom being searched while complete strangers chanted “take it off” and “cavity search”. Damn robotic knee!

The trip was fantastic! We had AMAZING macaroni and cheese at Steelheads in Seattle, incredible banana fosters ice cream in Victoria and the best fish and chips EVER at a little make shift “restaurant” on the water front in Nanaimo called Troller’s Fish and Chips, (alright, I like food… back off).

Mom succeeded in erupting the dinner table with laughter due to her confusion when lady at our dinner table commented that she “had been married to her husband for 7 ½ years before he passed a year ago,” which she followed with “it was wonderful”. Now, I understand the confusion. But come on mom, did you really think she was referring to his death being “wonderful” rather than their 7 ½ year marriage?

Unfortunately I was unable to get my groove on at the nightclub due to a knee injury which left me temporarily confined to a wheelchair.

Canada was beautiful! We saw some pretty amazing things. We were the only ones on deck when a pod of Dolphins decided to swim and jump by the ship. We were able watch them for about 5 minutes before they disappeared. We also spotted Michael Bolton! He tried to disguise himself by bleaching his hair blond, but he couldn’t fool us… who knew he was into cruising!

Mom, Dana and Stacey were able to watch the sunrise, I hear it was pretty magnificent. I’ll have to take their word for it seeing as how they didn’t wake me up for the life changing experience. Other beautiful/ amazing things: This little old lady who could barely walk on her arthritic legs and osteoporosis bones, but was very fashionable in her all white track suite and 4 inch black platform peep toes.

It really hit its climax at the end of the trip, en-route to the airport, as Dana gave our Taxi driver Adam my phone number! (He defaulted to me after finding out Dana was married with 3 kids) Don’t worry, he’s called 5 times already… I’ll be sending out wedding announcements soon!

I’m also expecting a call from about 3 other people she gave my number to. Looks I’ll be pretty busy the next couple months, so don’t bother trying to get a hold of me.

It was a whirlwind trip, but it was really fun. We got a lot in. A lot of walking, A lot of eating, a lot of people watching and a lot of illegal/ risky behavior (I didn’t know my mom could bend like that, especially with the knee, apparently she learned it from Stacey).

Back in the Summer of '69

2008-09-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

I wouldn’t say I am an old soul, however I do like things that old people like. For example, I love myself some shredded wheat, oatmeal raisin cookies, plain oatmeal for that matter, prunes, sweater vests, card games that aren’t poker, all- you- can- eat buffets, Sunday’s obituaries, stories about sickness and death, Alaska and good ol’ cross stitching, you know like grandma use to make…

Well, maybe not cross stitching.

I was a little curious to see if I really was old, what I would look like back in the day. As they say curiosity killed the cat, so let’s take a walk down memory lane shall we:

Back in 1958 I was quite the catch!

My senior year in 1960. Man I miss those glasses.

Here is a little snapshot of what my mom looked like in 1966.

Back in 1976 I really loved the song "All by Myself"

Prom night 1984.

The first time I permed my hair in 1986. I wanted to look like Blanche from the Golden Girls.

And finally, I really reached my prime in 1994. In the words of the Crash Test Dummies "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

2008-09-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

I’m not talking about Christmas people, rather Nick’s yearly birthday party at Ginos, my favorite Karaoke Bar in slums of Salt Lake. It encompasses all things that I enjoy: it’s smelly, it’s smokey, it’s trashy… and I never feel as classy, skinny, pretty, over dressed or coordinated in my life as I do when I walk through those glorious plywood doors. I really wanted to capture the essence of the evening, but why reinvent the wheel when Kate Gildea has done it so eloquently and coolly on her blog (please don’t sue me for plagiarism). So here are a few golden nuggets highlighting the evening courteously of Mrs. Gildea.

You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette is not really something that I have ever thought of as a song to get down to...but the trio of freakers loved every minute of it

I never knew that Meredith's Brooks, "I'm a Bitch" was something that was romantic or a dance to slow dance to..

I would also like to thank that little Latin gal in the tube top for providing hours of entertainment by allowing us to watch you for hours while you attempted body rolls in the mirror

"With or Without You by U2" is one of my least favorite songs...and when Mr Drunk and Tone Deaf sings, it makes life pretty unbearable.

That Alvin and the Chipmunks or that awful trio should never sing "LOVESHACK" ever again. My ears are still ringing.

The only thing worse that Melissa Etherage's song "Come to my Window" is the girl attempting to sound like Melissa Etherage while karaokeing "Come to my Window"

If you weight upwards of 350+ lbs and are still insisting on using an air guitar during instrumental parts of the song...please don't sing "Every Rose Has it's Thorn" unless you remind me to bring some Depends.

But, I think that Nick and I did a pretty decent rendition of "Rocketman" by Elton John..and as you can see from the action shot we were pretty into it. Look at my hair flying in the wind...Nick's hand mid air...who knew we were so in to Karaoke?

And lastly, I think that this little guys did one of the best Karaoke's of the night (his 3rd mind you). "America" by Neil Diamond has never been sung so good...even though you were a little on the intoxicated side and fell (twice) attempting to do this knee drop, I think it was worth it. It looked good...real good.

Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun

2008-08-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

I just got back from girls camp (and when I say camp, I use the word loosely, as we slept in cabins, cooked in kitchens and had showers and flushing toilets). I was asked to attend by my sisters ward. I think they saw it as a bit of charity work, you know, include the single, looser girl, but I apparently fell for it because I went.

I was suppose to be an assistant camp director. This was a little awkward seeing as how I was caught in limbo between acting like the young women and being an assertive leader. I think the girls saw right through my "respectable adult" facade, because they gave me the "Young at Heart" award ( I didn't realize I was old enough to just be young at heart).

Its been a long time since I had been to girls camp, lots of things have changed. I didn't have to learn how to tie a 5 different knots or dig my own bathroom hole and apparently its not cool anymore to corn row your hair (found that out a little to late). But some things are still the same, boonedoggle key chains are still all the rage, Starbursts still roast over a fire and a riggabamboo is still made by the Princess Pat (I wish her boat would sink already).

Luckily with all the changes and not having the fun of sharpening my knife with a wet stone to kill my own dinner, I was still easily entertained. We went hiking, canoeing, zip lining and had a pretty intense game of "how many pieces of gum can you fit in your mouth."

Now, this was not my first rodeo with this game. I held the record with 17 pieces of Bubbalicious so you could say I went in a little cocky. I am proud to say that I trumped my previous record and set a new personal best with 25! Yes that's right, 25 pieces of bubble gum (did I mention I hate bubble gum). unfortunately, I was beat out by a 14 year old girl who was able to fit in 32 pieces. On her best day (or worst however you view it) she weighs about 97 pounds. COME ON! I out weigh her by like 12 pounds...wet!

Like I said, I got cocky.

Ok, it was a little more than a beating, it was an ass whipping. As you know, I'm a little competative and I don't know which is worse, admiting I lost...by a lot... or posting this picture. Either way, now that you know, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Would You Call That Color Cantaloupe?

2008-07-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

Every year, I "join the movement” and volunteer to be “helpful” for the M.S. Society. I don’t know if I really am helpful or not, but it makes me feel better about myself knowing I’m contributing to society in at least one way, you know, since I’m still single and have no children…

Of all the M.S. Events, the M.S. 150 Best Damn Bike Tour is my favorite. Why you may ask. Honestly I ask myself that same question every year. It was originally called the best damn bike tour, because the route was over a couple damns. Now, I call it the damn bike tour because come Sunday morning at 4:30 a.m, when I wake to feed the troops, it’s the first thing I say “damn bike tour.”

There is a reason that you should always wear black spandex. Here is your explanation why:

Most of the cyclist recognize the unwritten rule and dress accordingly, but there are a few who seem to have missed the memo. Particularly the man wearing white spandex that decided to come ask me what mile the lunch stop was at…. Let’s just say that white spandex doesn’t work on a sweaty day after riding 68 miles. Its somewhat similar to a wet t-shirt contest, except with a sausage link.

After 3 years of volunteering, they have finally recognized me for what I am and put me in a position of power. As a Special Events Leader (S.E.L), I get to do all the important things, like make sure there’s enough mayo for the sandwiches and collect garbage.

One of my favorite tasks, water. Sometimes, to make things more interesting, I ask the cyclists if they want me to feel them up…

In all seriousness, it’s was a great time! Hats off to all those who rode, participated, and sponsored the event. Especially to everyone at the M.S. Society who put it together and let me volunteer yet another year.

Say What!

2008-06-17T12:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve always wanted to visit a physic. Why would I want to wait for my life to unfold, when I can go to a physic and get lied to about how it will supposedly turn out. You know me, I LOVE surprised, but come on, who doesn’t like a hint every now and then, so when my boss told me about her friend going to and Indian Shaman, I suggested we try it out. Granted he’s not a physic but hey, I thought it would be interesting and what better day to do it on then Friday the 13th.

To my surprised my Indian Shaman wasn’t an Indian at all, but actually a pale face. He started out by giving me an overview of his previous lives as an elk and an African-American slave and explained some stuff about energies and shockras( or something like that, I was a little distracted by the decorative beer cans lining the walls and fireplace). He then took me into a room with a table similar to ones used for massages. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't this.

I laid on my back on the table and closed my eyes as he proceeded to shake a rattle over my body and call the spirits from the four corners of the earth to be with us. I guess they showed up because he apparently saw a rope tied around my ankles that he said was holding me back. He “symbolically” cut the rope after spitting something on it that smelled strangely similar to Brute cologne. He spit the same stuff on my right hip where he said he saw the forceful imprint to of a hand. He interpreted this hand print to me as a representation of sexual abuse. I think I would recall if sexual abuse had happened to me, which I don’t, so he explained that it must have been in a previous life… of course, that would explain why I’m a wall builder in this life.

That pretty much ended our session. He did advise me to go home and take a bath with salt to clean out the “surgical wounds” from the cutting of rope and hand print removal, you know, so they didn’t get infected. Hope a dip in the swimming pool counts.

Reality Check

2008-05-06T10:30:00.000-07:00

I'm wearing a pair of corduroy capris today. I think they look pretty fantastic if I may say so myself. Corduroy is a great fabric that is structured enough to be fairly forgiving to my pear shape, given the right cut. I love my corduroy capris.

What I don't love about my corduroy capris is the fact that I can't hide the reality the my thighs rub together when I walk. It makes a very distinctive swishing sound, comparable to the back up beeper on a backhoe. Its like my own personal warning beacon (caution thunder thighs on the move) and this warning signal makes me just insecure enough to diminish the confidence that the fit and cut gives me.

But I do look great when I'm standing still...